Man's best friend
by TealeafCustom
Summary: Hikki experiences a home invasion and becomes good friends with a small brown Daschund dog belonging to a certain pink-haired girl. Based on an infamous film. (No, it's not Hachiko.) Oneshot.


**I ended up liking this one so much that I turned it into a standalone fic.**

 **A short little story that was originally supposed to be an omake for my other fic Hikio Fiction (** ** **Go check that out if you haven't, would you kindly.)****

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

Hikigaya Hachiman relaxed in his bathtub, content to seep into the warm bathwater lazily. It'd been a long day at the service club where the girls had discussed about mundane things that didn't really concern him, chatting away while he read a light novel in his little corner. They were even joined by Iroha when she'd poked her head in, claiming she was bored and came over to play. It was nice to see the three of them get along so well recently, usually Yukino would get into a small verbal dispute with the younger girl but they'd somehow started to becoming friendlier after discussing something among themselves. Needless to say, Yui was ecstatic when the two started warming up to each other, declaring it a sign of the power of friendship.

He hummed tiredly as he thought of them laughing and having fun together. Hey, as long as they were happy he'd be happy too. The house felt cold and empty when he was the only one in it, the chirping of Crickets the only sound that interrupted the soft silence. For once he actually had the house to himself; Mom and Dad were on a honeymoon in Kyoto while Komachi was having a Girls-only sleepover with a few friends of hers in the neighborhood. One might think he felt lonely in this empty house but instead he felt snug content to laze about freely. His eyelids started to feel heavy as he began slowly drifting off to sleep in the tub despite himself, the day having taken it's toll on him. Faintly he could hear Komachi's adorable voice warning him he shouldn't sleep in the tub.

 _"It's dangerous to sleep in the bath, onii-chan!"_

His dear sister's words echoed in his mind as he grumbled and sat upright, still basking in the warmth of the water. Yeah, it wouldn't be good if he fell asleep here, but he was just so tired-

A sudden thump in the living room struck him out of his sleepy state immediately, causing the teenager to flinch in suprise. What was that? He peeked his head to the side and out the open bathroom door, having not bothered to close it since he would be the only person in the house for tonight. He wondered if Komachi came back early or something- it would be rather embarrassing if she saw him taking a bath.

"Komachi, is that you?" He called into the empty silence, hoping for a reply.

When none came, he frowned and prepared to stand up, only to be interrupted by a loud beep he recognized as the phone in the living room. Maybe his ears were playing tricks on him and he'd imagined the thumping noise.

" _Hikigaya Household, please leave a message after the beep._ " He heard his own deadpan voice coming from the device, having been the one to record down that dumb message in the first place. " _Ha-chan, it's mother here. Your father and I just wanted to say this place is beautiful, just like you said it would be! There are so many flowers and-"_

The recorded message was rudely cut short when a loud bang resounded through the empty house, electronics sparking and fizzling out as _someone in his living room_ smashed a baseball bat into his telephone just at the edge of his vision. Hachiman recoiled in alarm, reaching for his towel before realizing it was too far away from his position. A home invasion happening right now? He couldn't believe his dumb luck. Crap, what did that TV show say about dealing with intruders in your home? Errr... step one, check if it's a case of mistaken identity. He felt that it was really bad advice but decided to do it anyways.

Hachiman stuck his head out for a better look at the intruders, only for them to spot him instantly. To his confusion and surprise, Yukino and Iroha stared back at him, the latter still smacking the aluminum baseball bat into his phone, shattering it into countless pieces.

"Wha- hey! This is a private residence, guys! W-what are you guys doing here?" He asked in complete bewilderment. He didn't get a reply as the two girls exchanged a look and advanced towards him, Yukino waving to a third intruder from behind the door. The final person to appear was none other than Yui, a leash in her hand as she guided her small Dachshund dog, Sable, towards him. Iroha was the last to enter as she flicked on the light switch with a delicate hand, blinding the teenager in the tub as light flooded the bathroom.

Now all three girls stood in his bathroom, staring down at him with looks of disdain and annoyance clear on their face. Hachiman wasn't sure how to react, feeling extremely thankful for the soapy bathwater that camouflaged his very naked body.

"Uhhhh... nice doggy?" He began as he stared at the panting animal, utterly confused as to why Yui would bring her pet dog here. Why were the three of them here in the first place, did he do something to offend them or something-

Any semblance of thought and logical reasoning was swiftly booted out of his mind as Yui gently lifted Sable with both hands and lowered him ceremoniously into the bathtub, the sausage-shaped dog thrashing around for a moment before realizing it was safe, letting out a happy bark and swimming towards Hachiman with it's little legs. The small creature then decided to lick at him cutely, having recognized the fish-eyed boy as it's previous savior.

"Eh?" He attempted to get up, only for Yukino to put a hand on his shoulder and push him further into the bathwater, subjecting him to even more ticklish licks from Sable. Only after twenty seconds had passed until the trio decided it was enough, Yui reaching down to gingerly scoop up the Dachshund into a loving embrace.

"Starting from today, you _will_ take each of us on a date _every_ Saturday. We'll take turns sharing. _If you don't, we come back tomorrow._ " Yui declared, stroking the dog in her arms gently. Hachiman mentally noted that today was Friday while his senses slowly returned to him as the absurdity of the situation began to sink in.

"Wha- what's going-" He tried to ask, only to be cut short with a glare from each of the three girls. Whoever said women couldn't be scary was clearly a fool of the highest order.

"You think we are kidding, Hikki? Or having a bit of fun?" The pink-haired girl challenged, a dangerous look in her eyes. The other two stood by with their arms folded, content to watch. "We can do things you haven't dreamed of, Hikki."

"We believe in you, Sempai." Iroha piped up, her usual smile absent.

"She believes in you, Hikigaya-kun. So do I." Yukino added, a frosty glare directed at him.

"And tomorrow we come back and we cut off your Johnson." Yui finished, nuzzling against Sable warmly while her cold expression kept him rooted to the spot.

"E-excuse me?"

" **I said we cut off your Johnson!** " Yui snarled, her face inches away from his.

[8]

"Oniiiiichaaaaaaaaannn! I'm home!"

Hachiman awoke with a start, looking around in panic. Wha- the Girls- Sable- and Saturday-

He looked down at himself and exhaled in relief, slowly sinking back into the tub. It was a dream. A weird, horrid little nightmare that somehow wormed it's way into his mind while he fell asleep. There weren't any intruders in his house and no dog was in his bathtub. Most importantly, there weren't any girls staring down at him coldly while he lay naked and vulnerable. Sometimes he wondered what the hell was wrong with his subconscious- he must have watched too many of those old movies yesterday.

"Komachi, I thought you were having a sleepover with your friends." He called, glad that he wasn't alone now.

"I was! But then Manami-chan got sick so we had to leave and-" Whatever his sister wanted to say next was cut short as she strolled past the open bathroom door, a cheeky grin blooming on her features.

"Uwwwahh, oniichan- You left the bathroom door open!" Komachi cried out playfully as she ran towards the living room. "Kyaaaaa, you're so gross!"

"Oi. I didn't know you'd be back today, you said you'd be back tomorrow." Hachiman tried to argue back, despite knowing it was useless.

"How scandalous!" Komachi teased, clearly having fun with the situation. "Are you trying to seduce me, oniichan?"

"You shouldn't watch those movies, Komachi. They're a bad influence on you." He deadpanned while his sister burst into uncontrollable giggles. "Also, you got the quote wrong. It's 'You're trying to seduce me, aren't you?'."

"Kyaaaa, that's worth one hundred Komachi points!"

[8]

 **[The next day, a.k.a Saturday]**

The dead-eyed teenager shuffled along the sidewalk tiredly, yawning as he double-checked the contents of his grocery bag. He didn't really have a good night's sleep after that stupid dream he had last night. Whenever he started to even remotely come close to drifting off onto cloud nine, the dream Yui's threat echoed through his mind like a megaphone, shocking him back to reality. When he'd finally fell asleep he started dreaming about hot dogs for some strange inexplicable reason.

Grumbling, he wondered why he was even up so early during a weekend. Usually he'd still be fast asleep in his nice, warm bed but Komachi had jumped into his bed playfully this morning, stealing his blankets and forcing him to wake up. He tried as hard as he could to make her go back to her own room yet his efforts were in vain, the smug little sister claiming that his bed was far more warmer and comfortable. She had promptly ignored him when he mentioned they slept on the same brand of bed and fell asleep snuggled tightly against his pillow and sheets. Thus, it was up to him to go grocery shopping today even though it was actually her turn. That sly little fox.

He wondered how anyone could even enjoy the morning. A normal person would probably say that it was a beautiful day. Unfortunately, he was far from normal. To him, the Sun was so bright it hurt his eyes, the weather was so hot it made him sweat, the birds were so loud and annoying and everything was awful. There was no way that this morning could get any worse.

"Hikki! Is that you?"

Hachiman froze, his head slowly swiveling around to face the source of the cheerful voice. Why did he have to test his luck.

"Ehhh, what a coincidence!" Yuigahama Yui beamed excitably, looking rather adorable out of her uniform as she jogged lightly to catch up to him. Hachiman noted with increasing horror that she held a leash in one hand, connected to the collar of an equally excitable dog.

 **"Woof!"** Sable barked happily, the Dachshund looking up at him expectantly as it panted away.

"Y-yo." He answered, last night's dream resurfacing in his mind like a nuclear submarine breaking the ocean's surface. _Launch the missile now!_ It was just a dream, he reminded himself. Yui wouldn't do anything to hurt him. The girl in question flashed him a billion-watt smile, clearly in a good mood.

"Sable says hi! I think he likes you Hikki, look how happy he is!" The pinkette gushed, tugging on the leash lighty as Sable sniffed around his shoes, letting out a yip every so often. "I've never seen him like someone (other than me) so much before!"

Sable then had the bright idea to run in a circle around the two rapidly, the leash coiling around the pair and bringing them closer together, much to their embarrassment. Hachiman started to bend down in an effort to gently stop the small creature but only ended up moving even closer to Yui, nearly pushing his face into her bosom.

"Sable! W-wait!" The dog's owner cried out to no avail.

As the leather leash bound itself around them they ended up closer and closer, snuggled against each other. The poor girl visibly flushed in embarrassment as she felt her body press up against him, her buxom chest rubbing against his as they collided. It was then when she realized how tall her friend looked up close as he practically towered over her like a statue. In reality he only appeared to look that tall since he stood ramrod straight while she hunched into him. There was no need for words as the two just stopped and shared a moment of strange but intimate silence, a guy and a girl locked together in a sort of psuedo-embrace.

It was only when their faces were inches away from each other when Yui started trembling slightly, her face redder than a cherry tomato.

"U-ummm.. Ummm..." She mumbled quietly, seemingly having lost her ability to speak. He didn't blame her, anyone would be grossed out if they were forced to be so close to him and his fishy eyes.

Naturally, this prompted him to start uncoiling the leash wrapped around them with great care, trying not to trip and end up on top of her. That would be disastrous situation only seen in light novels and anime.

"Oh... um. Sorry, Hikki, he's usually not this playful around strangers." Somehow she looked a bit disappointed after they had untangled themselves. Maybe he was so tired he was starting to imagine things that weren't there.

 **"Woof!"**

"What are you doing here, Yuigahama-san?" He sighed, attempting to change the topic to avert the awkwardness in the air.

"Oh, my mom asked me to pick up a few groceries for her since I'm taking Sable here for a walk." She eyed the grocery bag he held with a look of understanding, nodding her head confidently. "I see you had the same idea."

"Yeah, since I had nothing better to do than laze about at home anyways."

The pinkette laughed musically, small shudders shaking her girly frame as she did. "Uwah, you're so honest! I don't think I could ever tell my friends I was lazing about doing nothing."

"I like to keep things simple."

The conversation ground to a halt as he finished his statement abruptly, not giving her anything to work with to reply. Dammit, he was always bad with social skills and talking to girls but this had to be one of the worst examples of him failing to even maintain a simple conversation. They were starting to get along so well, too.

The two stood around in an awkward silence, Yui shyly peeking up at him from beneath her pink bangs as she twirled a finger though her hair.

"Well, um, I'll see you around Hikki! Knowing you, I'm sure you'll want to head home as soon as possible~" She giggled demurely, a hand over her mouth. "Say hello to Komachi-chan for me! Bye-bye!"

As she turned and began to go on her way, Hachiman remembered that stupid dream again, calling him from the depths of his mind. He wasn't the least bit threatened by it now that he'd met Yui for real and was reminded of what a good girl she was. That was it, she was just a nice girl who was nice to the even the lowliest of the low on the social ladder, him being a great example.

Even so, a part of him still wanted to call out to her, to tell her something, anything. He wanted to laugh with her, to tell her about the weird dream he had yesterday. But most of all he just wanted to talk to her.

So he did.

"Yuigahama, wait!"

She stopped, pink hair waving in the air lazily as she spun to face him, looking curious but expectant. "What is it, Hikki?"

"I was thinking... " He paused, unsure of what to say. He began closing the distance between them, using the time to think of his next words.

"Yes?" She breathed, eyes gleaming like jewels filled with an unseen emotion.

"I was thinking... would you like to hang out for awhile today?" He asked hesitantly, fearing the answer for some strange reason he couldn't understand. "You know, since we're both out here and... stuff."

Great, Hachiman. Real smooth. He groaned internally as he cursed himself for not thinking of something better to say.

The girl paused and stared at him blankly, before a tinge of red started to creep up from her neck and onto her face. She let out an excited squeak as she cupped her hands together happily, visibly exploding with joy.

"YES! I-I mean, Ahem, O-of course! Anything for you Hikki!" Yui smiled brilliantly, her pearly white teeth gleaming in the morning sun. Yuigahama-san, your smile's so bright I'll have to wear shades. Hachiman let out a breath of relief as he made his way to her side, a small but genuine smile on his face as he did. He'd hadn't really expected her to accept his request, much less react in such an unpredictable manner. Maybe this morning wouldn't be so bad after all. Unnoticed by him, Yui did a little victory cheer, pumping her fists into the air with triumph.

The pair began to walk off into the sunrise together, side-by-side as they followed a little brown dog that paced in front of them panting happily. To anyone else looking it would seem as though they was the perfect couple, content with their lives and each other as they went on their way, the very picture of youth in the springtime.

"I'll even let you walk Sable!"

"No thank you."

 **"Woof!"**

* * *

 **Omake: Hachiman and friends**

In a dingy little bowling alley in downtown Chiba, three friends were busy talking away about recent events.

"Well, then he shoved me against the wall on the roof." Hachiman finished, explaining to Zaimokuza what had transpired behind-the-scenes during the school cultural festival. "And that's why everyone hates me now."

"Then this was a situation where you sacrificed yourself. Again." The otaku deadpanned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I mean, why even try? There was no point to helping her-"

"Helping who?" Totsuka piped up curiously, having returned from throwing his perfect strike in the lane.

"Sagami-san. The girl in charge of the festival." Hachiman answered as he fiddled with his bowling shoes, tightening them slowly. He idly wondered why these you had to wear these special shoes... probably something about slipping.

"Were you listening to Hachiman's story, Totsuka?"

"What?"

"Were you listening to Hachiman's story?" Zaimokuza repeated, a little louder this time.

"I was bowling!" He replied cheerfully.

"So you have no frame of reference here, Totsuka." He chided. "You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie theater and wants to know-"

"Zaimokuza, hey!" The fish-eyed teen called out in annoyance. "What's the point, man? What's done is done."

"There's no reason; here's my point, dude." Zaimokuza began, waving his hands around. "There's no good reason why-"

"Yeah Zaimokuza, what's your point?" Totsuka asked, still confused and accidentally interrupting the other boy.

"Look man, we all know who was at fault here, what are you talking about?"

"Huh? No, what the hell- I'm not-" The tubby otaku sputtered and took a moment to calm himself down before he spoke again. "Look. We're talking about your ridiculous self-sacrifice here, dude."

"What is he talking about?"

"My confrontation on the roof with Sagami-san. And Hayama."

"Forget it, Totsuka. You're out of your element." Zaimokuza groaned, resisting the urge to facepalm.

"Zaimokuza, I did it because it was the only way to save her dignity. Me playing the bad guy, her playing the victim. It's all my fault, so on and so forth. So what are you even talking about?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Sagami-san isn't the issue here, dude!" Zaimoukuza began to gesture with his hands wildly. "I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, dude. Across this line, you do not allow people to step all over you. I've got a feeling this won't be the last time you pull off something like this."

"Look man, I understand how Hayama felt then. If I was in the same position I'd get pretty mad too." Hachiman looked up at his two friends. "I already told you my reason."

"Wha- What the hell are you talk-"

"Zaimokuza, I did what I had to do. I don't consider it a sacrifice since I had nothing to sacrifice to begin with."

"He did what he had to do." The girly-looking boy echoed gingerly.

"Totsuka, you're out of your element! Dude, your disregard for your reputation isn't the issue here!" The otaku argued, visibly flustered.

"So what is the issue here?" Hachiman got up and walked towards the lanes, turning to face them as he did some warm-up stretches.

"You are. You may not care about yourself, but what about other people who do?" Zaimokuza stated, wringing his hands together. "We're your friends, alright. How do you think that makes us feel?"

Totsuka looked between the two uneasily, though it was clear that he agreed with the otaku from his expression.

"Well, err... I was hoping you guys weren't affected?" Hachiman tried uncertainly, still stretching his arms.

"Great. That's just wonderful. Did you even stop to think about how we felt about you being hurt? But wait, there's more!" His tubby counterpart challenged, looking pensive. "What about Yukinoshita-san and Yuigahama-san? How do you think they feel about this self-sacrifice nonsense?"

Ouch, that was a low blow. Hachiman grimaced as he thought of the girls' reactions, their expressions filled with hurt. They were hurting because of him and he couldn't understand why they cared so much about him. He didn't even need any scolding or chiding, that thought alone was enough to make him feel like walking garbage. He silently vowed to make it up to them when he finally got the chance.

"Frankly, Sagami-san brought this upon herself by listening to the poisonous words of that older Yukinoshita-san, if your story is accurate." Zaimoukuza remarked, glancing between the other two teens. "So there's no reason, no reason at all that you should even take the blame for all her mistakes! Mistakes, need I remind you, that were purposely orchestrated by that witch of an older sister. She is a disgrace to onee-sans everywhere in my book. Am I wrong?"

"About which part?" Totsuka hummed cutely. "I mean, I don't know much about your expectations on what an older sister should be like-"

"The first one. Totsuka, please."

"Oh, then I strongly agree with that statement."

"Alright guys, I get it. I'm sorry, okay?" Hachiman sighed, looking apprehensive. "I won't do it again."

"You'd better not. And we're not the only ones you should be apologizing to."

"Don't worry Hachiman, I wasn't really that mad!"

 **[A few weeks later, after the field trip.]**

"He did it again, didn't he?" Zaimokuza asked, expression flat.

"Eeeeyup." Totsuka answered tiredly.

"How bad is it?"

"DEFCON 2. He pretended to confess to Ebina-san to stop her from rejecting Tobe-san."

"That dumb son of a-"

"Don't finish that sentence."

"Right, sorry." Zaimokuza coughed sheepishly. "Okay, let's get started."

"Let's." Totsuka smiled, nodding confidently. "After all, that's what friends are for."

* * *

 **Thank you for reading, I hoped you liked reading it as much as I liked writing it.**

 **I just realized I've made the mistake of spelling "Zaimokuza" as "Zaimoukuza" in my other fic for one entire chapter or more. Good God.**

 **Behold the romance trope of one of the characters having a cute little dog, the dog wraps it's leash around the two forcing them together. I can't remember where I first saw that, was it in a book or a movie? It was a long time ago but I thought it was brilliant when I first witnessed it.**

 **What Komachi was trying to quote was a line from the movie "The Graduate". _"_** _ **Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me."**_

 **The line _"Launch the missile now!"_ is from the animated film "The Iron Giant". I wanted to make a Red October reference but I think not many people will get it. A guy who reads Tom Clancy novels and watches anime. Who the hell does that. **

**As for the omake, I wanted to expand upon Hikki's male friends. Zaimokuza and Saika are real bros in this one. I wished they played a bigger part in the anime but I'll take what I can get.**

 **DEFCON stands for** ** **DEFense readiness CONdition. A DEFCON 2 state means it's almost time for Nuclear War.  
****

 **In case you haven't figured it out, the scenes this fic were parodying are from the film "The Big Lebowski".**

 **As always, please leave a favorite or follow (or even both!) if you liked it. It's up to you, the reader. Any reviews or feedback would be greatly appreciated.**


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